Content with Lonliness

I don’t believe love was made for me.

I know I’m young and I still have plenty of time to explore and meet new people, but looking around and see how people in love act… they speak a different language than I do.

I don’t believe love was made for people like me. People like me endure the chilling silence at night and find peace in it. People like me find happiness knowing that tomorrow is going to be in my control and there is not another person there to possibly change that. People like me surrender our souls to the muse that of which we make love to. Whether that be music, art, medicine, learning, or writing, we find a muse and lose ourselves. People that can both be in love and drown themselves in their passion fascinate me, for I have not grasped the concept of opening up myself, and what I love, to someone who might change what I do.

Love is not easy. I think falling in love is easy, but staying in love is another experience. You bend what you want and where you go in order to please another person. I know they say the right one will just be perfect, but I’m too old to believe in that lie.

I think about falling in love, and I sigh because having someone to come home to and share how my day was with sounds nice sometimes. But then I think about all the ways I’ve learned to love myself, and another person does not fit in the picture anymore.

Having a warm body wake up next to me every morning sounds nice until the morning time comes. Morning comes and my demons awake with me. My head is full of voices. My voice. My own voice telling me ten different things at the same time. I lay in my bed silent. Breathing. A warm body next to me does not hear the chaos that I’m trying to control. A warm body does not see the sadness behind my eyes or the darkness I have learned to live with.

No, love was not made for people like me. People like me spend their days trying to find new ways to love themselves instead of other people. People like me push others away because we are aware of the madness within. We see how our words end in tiny little papercuts all over our tongues, so we decide its better to stay silent and suffer within.

People like me know that before I let someone walk with me through the storms, I have to first learn to calm the seas.

I’ve fallen in love with the rough waters. The way I hold my breath and things go dark makes me feel alive. I inhale again and open my eyes to different shades of blue.

No, love was not made for people like me. A fairytale romance will live on through words, but I do not welcome it into the kingdom of my heart, or the castle of my soul.